week 02+03 blog

Last week, we covered the topic of self to partner relationships, a very prominent topic for college students across the world.  Each couple has its special actions to define their love. But there are some things you may unknowingly do that harm your connection with your partner and, in turn, yourself. Managing a relationship while balancing schoolwork, mental health, and activities may seem overwhelming at times and it is important to understand yourself and your partner to ensure a healthy and balanced relationship.

  This coming week, we will turn our attention to self to family relationships, but we shouldn’t leave self to partner relationships in the past. In fact, the relationships that we have with our families can be found to influence how we interact with our partners.

One of the most popular ways of studying how we behave in social relationships (of any kind) is through the categorization of attachment styles. This may be an unfamiliar term to some, so here are the four main ones defined by The Attachment Project: 

1) Anxious - highly values relationships, but anxious for reassurement of love and security

2) Avoidant - hesitant with relationships, uncomfortable with the idea of dependency by either side

3) Disorganized - toes between Anxious and Avoidant, desires relationships but fears being hurt

4) Secure - trusts their relationship, feels comfortable with their partner and with themselves

These describe how we may perceive our relationships and sheds light on how we react to situations. Sometimes, we act in ways that feel necessary for our own comfort, but which actually hurts others. 

The Influence of Family

Our patterns of behavior within relationships are usually built upon what we experience in our early family relationships. For most, families such as parents and siblings are our first and primary providers of love. However, our experiences of this are not always smooth and many people experience deficits or a lack of security. Attachment styles come from how we learn to respond to situations of feeling loved and feeling unloved. 

1) When we develop low esteem for ourselves but high esteem for others, 

we develop anxious attachment styles. 

2) When we develop high esteem for ourselves but low esteem for others, 

we develop avoidant attachment styles.

3) When we develop low esteem for ourselves and low esteem for others, 

we develop disorganized attachment styles.

4) When we develop high esteem for ourselves and high esteem for others, 

we develop secure attachment styles. 

Attachment Styles are Dynamic

It’s important to note that attachment styles are not pardons for behavior or judgements of someone’s ability to be in a relationship. Having an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style does not excuse responsibility when it comes to harmful behaviors, and it doesn’t mean that someone can’t enter healthy relationships. 

Attachment styles are learned behaviors, and therefore can be changed based on new experiences. If you find that your attachment style stems from unhealthy family relationships, you’re still capable of changing your attachment style through practicing building strong relationships with partners, friends, your community, and yourself.